Can't let it out. Don't know why.

Tenpins come to mind for no reasons.

And on the whole, I can calculate the situation any number of ways, and of course I know for how many and what reasons I should be happy, and that they are plenty more and ultimately better than the reasons I should be unhappy. And I should be both if I want to remain a resemblance of humanity myself, but I can't seem to ante up to what the blinds amount to. Not even to bet on a hand for fun. Just a gas.
So precious when there, so painful when gone. So nonsensical to bring it up, and still, as it stands, formless; impossible to avoid.

It would be all too easy if I were sad for some reason. I mean, pick a reason from the bin:
-family died
-lost a bet
-girlfriend left
-girlfriend did something you didn't like
-got mugged
-lost an eye in a snowball fight
-met a clown
-read the news
-remembered something
-forgot something else

Pick a card. Problem is nothing seems to match, and the old maid doesn't want to get shuffled back in this time. My sadness is formless. Some days you just plain feel sad.

Well, if you're anyone but Kaz, you do. Weather, emotional chemical cycles, the moon, and prime numbered Thursdays are all excellent reasons to be sad for no reason at all. But if you're me.

But you're not me.
More and more, I'm coming to think that I'm not really me, either. I never had a formless sadness before, so it doesn't make sense for me to have one, either. But this situation doesn't make much sense to begin with.

I mean, the callers were pretty benign today. I had a few laughs at some of the questions as usual, and even an anecdote to share about some poor shlub from the philo dept, and sure it's a little tragic but not to cause all this. I finally had someone else in the lab for my shift (we're supposed to have two on staff all the time because I can't be everywhere, and bossman is supposed to fill in but he also has meetings), so some of my problems even cleared up. I had a few rounds of magic, and some of those were a rare treat of circumstances and interactions. I made another animated icon, perhaps for my avatar on the mtgsalvation forums or the livejournal, we'll see. I even got to sleep for...crikey how long did I sleep last night? About four more hours than my usual. Almost as if it had been a weekend.
Plainly speaking, there was nothing at all wrong with today. Er, well yesterday by now that is.

I'm awake and alive and fed. I got to do my food shopping I had needed to do, and finished off that stew I had been stewing and eating for the last two days (everything keeps soaking in to make the third-day stew delightful).

I feel like I want to sleep through tomorrow, too, but there's work to be done, and I know there's no real reason for the sleeping anyway.
I'll feel better once I've showered off.

Things really are looking up, though. The acidic tears haven't come back for awhile, fr'instance.

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