29 Apr 4705 - Moonburn Wanderlust

I set a lot of stock by what my parents tell me. Some of that may be from growing up: simple obedience of obvious authority, the kind of thing I have tried to pare out of myself over the years. Much of it comes from my experience in their satisfactory performance as parents over the years, seeing myself and my brothers grow up. I'll never really know how hard I was to raise. I suspect the best reason for my listening to what my parents have to say is the belief that I really am like them, much as I try to act like an oddball compared to everyone, and that my life is a kind of their lives that they have been through already, and so I have much to gain by listening to my parents.

So when my dad asks me why I haven't been going to church, I have to give him the first few logical reasons and then ultimately arrive at really not knowing why. I grew up with Catholic church every Sunday and Holy Day, and I like going to mass, so perhaps more than the desire to make my dad proud was my own curiousity of why I hadn't yet found the way.
I finish the conversation with my parents on the way to James' to rally before heading to see Hot Fuzz at Kingstowne (it was excellent and you should see it, by the way). We went back to James' after the movie to hang out a little; I started playing Super Metroid on his SNES again (it had been something of my custom to do so at his house and in general, and I'm sure I've played it through at least twice at his house), intending to complete it and then retire for the evening.
Something felt wrong. It wasn't the time, I knew how long it would take me to finish, and there was plenty of time for that. It wasn't really anything I knew I needed to be at home to do. I had already cooked and cleaned a little earlier in the day, and though I knew we had guests, I also knew that they weren't mine and that I would have no trouble from them besides, so I didn't need to be back home to see to anyone. I hadn't set any meetings. So why did I feel I needed to be home before finishing my communal playthrough of Metroid 3?
I still don't really know, but I know from memory that whenever I get that feeling, I should really listen. Home I went after only finishing off Phantoon.
Everything was quiet at home. Two roommates out for the weekend, one out for the night, to return only a little later with guests in tow, prepared to sleep for the Big Day tomorrow. No one called or appeared either in digital or analog form, so nothing there. I decided to use the time to investigate about a nearby church or fold my clothes.
I had seen this one on my travels before, and I knew it wasn't too far away for me to take the walk there every week, but I didn't know mass times and they didn't have a website, so I went out walking at 1:33 to find a sign of theirs with the times and at the same time figure out how long exactly it would take me to walk there.
The way was unusually dark because on the whole long street leading to the place, there was but one streetlamp, and I kindof regretted not taking my torch so as maybe to not frighten people and attract spirits and be able to glance up at the occasional sign without problem. When I got to where the street was supposed to connect, it simply ended anyway, and I decided to dogleg back to the main road that connected up with the church's street besides. When I arrive and have a better look at the place, I realize why I hadn't been able to notice the mass times before. They don't publish those for a private school.
All that way, and it's still the closest church, and it isn't really a church. Instead of the warm greeting of Christian fellowship, I was faced with the wary sign of prohibition of trespassing on private property. I consider this a necessary stricture of a school zone, and do not think less of my brothers for this position. I would have preferred, though, that the school part of it be as pronounced on the sign as it is in fact.
The next nearest is about four times as far away, meaning a two-hour walk if I go straight there with no traffic.
Everything here is designed for drivers. I take comfort in the fact that God loves me whether or not I own a motor vehicle, and I consider there to be more than one way to keep one's Sabbath holy.

It is still a difficult feeling to shake, the notion that I should have been somewhere. Where was I when you needed me? And when did you need me and what for?
I couldn't live with myself as a witch doctor if I stopped asking myself that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll know better. Sleepytime now, though. I did that folding after all.

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