01 Nov 4702 - The Most Obnoxious
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My roommate has all but dared me to date the most obnoxious
second most obnoxious girl on campus, and so I asked him to list the top five
for me:
Brandy: A maybe junior E&M who was kinda bitchy that once.
Forehead&Chubby: A pair of jackassesses who were neighbors of his last year.
Wish me luck.
Eliona: Trick answer, she's actually an excellent representation of the human
race. Why oh why did he dump this one?
Actress Bitch-Goddess: I met her once. Then I met her again this year when
she was wearing a towel. Thank God a beach towel. I feel the need to floss my
brain.
And there you have it. Little does my roomie know that I will hook him up
with the shrew juste and watch him writhe in agony. Mwahaha. Goes in the "Mad
Science" category for later: I'll be like a matchmaker, an evil matchmaker.
Wait, I've got it, I'll go after Greg who is always pestering me to find him a
woman. I hear you loud and clear, Greg who whipped me in the ass with his
lanyard. I whore you loud and clear.
The joke that you viewers at home are missing out on is the terrible exchange of
social capital around this wasteland of human character. Within the social
science theory of social capital, I live in a ghetto. We are poor, but we share
what little we have in what my Philospher-friend and line-leader this summer at
the factory would call "bull-session." This play has me as a character among
such sparkling stars as Sigmund, Marianna, Greg, Steve,
the goils upstairs, and
that kid who everyone hates who I think is actually only autistic. Maybe HFA.
hmm.
Sigmund and Marianna are the most annoying pair I have seen: this from a history
of outstandingly annoying friends-in-relationships *cough* Stew *cough*. I've
been sick, but I'll get better. S&M are showing no signs of getting better,
which means I'll need to find more places to vent than a paltry private web
headline. They're obnoxious. Someday I will record a characteristic sound clip
of their interactions and (with their permission, of course) post it here for
you to hear. For now you will have to trust in my word and listen to them with
the magic of thinking sounds out in your head. Er. Reading:
S: (dull tone and manner, fakes cheerful) Hello
M: (breathy and sharp, as though she ran here but is a good enough runner to
control it) Hi.
[we join them again at the dinner table]
S: (dull tone and manner) So, how did track go?
M: (matter of fact tone) I did really well. There were those two girls who beat
me, and I ran well and beat that other girl who usually also beats me.
S: (neutral tone) How did the guys do?
M: (hastier, still matter of fact) Well, there was the one who didn't run so
well, I don't know why.
S: grunts, inaudible
M: (awkward) Why are you eating sauce?
S: (curious) I like sauce. It goes well on spaghetti? (on "spag." raises
shoulders)
M: (repulsed and matter of fact) Ew. Its gross.
S: (with excellent timing and beat) You're gross.
M: (responsible and matter of fact) No I'm not. Sauce is. You're 100% jerk.
S: (quick and lusty) You're face is [100%
M: (too quick to hear)
[...No!
S: (cheerful)(pokes)
M: (desperate and annoyed and matter of fact) Ow. OW! You're mean. I'm not
coming back.
Repeat as desired. This is not an actual dialogue but is a composite of many,
many running arguments they have for all to hear about what is good and proper
in the world and what makes the other gross or mean. I must sabotage this
relationship for the good of humanity. It seemed like they were on a sure path
for self-destruction weeks ago, and indeed, were split for a solid day before S
broke out the magic words and allowed the lie to perpetuate. I think I have
worked all I can on S. It's time to go after M the only way I can see how.