End of Human Race Near: Experts Hooray

Annabel Chamberlain was released from Mt. Kinnebrush Regional Hospital today with a clean bill of health. Her personal doctor told her, as he had done many times in his career with many patients, that she would now be too old to have children. Annabel left to join her life-partner as a statistician on the team left to check on some records to amazing effect.

The population of humans on Earth has actually become too old to have any more children.

After checking with local hospitals, and then an increasingly wider sphere of medical professionals that monitor the aging population, team statistician and chaos mathematician Jose Trentt announced his findings at a press conference earlier today:

"I was astonished to learn what had happened. I knew that very few hospitals had recorded births for the last few months, but apparently I had my eyes closed to the past twenty or thirty years. This means that the humans that live today are the last on Earth: our species is on a death march."

The audiences mixed feelings echoed throughout the world. Sociological specialist Dr. Jay Fitzsimmons offers his insight into the matter as an expert on social ecosystems:

"What we as a race have to realize is that our time is limited. Each of us knew [this fact] as individuals, but what it means for the race is much different...In terms of social capital, its as if the banks have closed up. What people need to focus on now is securing enough physical resources to keep things going for maybe fifty years, and then relax and enjoy the end. We can't look to children as our future now. That time is gone. So you have to be your own future."

Public mourning over the loss of our race raged particularly heavily throughout the eastern seaboard of the United States, where children were prized for their market value and baseball ability. Citizens were asked to wear black armbands to show each other support for the coming death of the human race.

When asked how such an event could have come about, Dr. Fitzsimmons offered this insight while pointing to a graph later made unavailable to the press for copyright protections:

"Well, right up until 2010 we see a trend towards a growing population, then we have a changeover as we come out of the energy crisis, people are no longer huddled together for warmth, no more blackouts. The population levels off and then starts to decline. This decline matches up with the aging population. Here we have average age versus years for the human race. It seems in 2012, there was a massive feeling among people in the world to not have children. Call it, 'generation omega.' Gen Omegers just aren't people who want children. Its totally understandable, if a little statistically awkward, that every member of a generation would simply decide not to have kids. There's ample argument either way for how it could or could not be possible statistically, but there you have it."

What does the future hold for us, generation omega? Preliminary inquiries lead researchers to believe that the population will be voting in record percentages, that crime will fall by 98% in the next five years alone, and that shuffleboard and cribbage will become olympic events. Only time will tell. For now, people have decided in large part to make the twilight days of the human race party days. Lets end it with a bang.

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