Study Shows Ass Hard to Find

A recent mock-scientific study to be edited and aired by the Plush towel company turned real-scientific yesterday when the research director and commercial producer, Howard Witt, discovered a unique behavior of the test subjects:

“Well, we had them put on blindfolds like in the cola taste tests to affect a neutral event. Psychologically, if you see your brand of toilet paper on the roll, you will be predisposed to enjoying the wiping experience. We didn’t want that.”

But, said Witt, the neutral stimulus had an unexpected reaction:
”We anticipated an ordinary wiping event, but people simply couldn’t find the ass.”

Almost every blindfolded test subject took two or three passes in order to find where to wipe when deprived of vision, upending long-held scientific notions about visual clues.

The study soon found its way into the hands of Paul Poulsen, a psychological linguist and professor of western culture at SUNY Bingamton. Said Poulsen:

“This study opened the door for us here to the study of theories and methods of knowledge. Formerly our understanding was that the necessity of the vision in wiping the ass was minimal. Now we have evidence that this is not the case.”

Poulsen recalled stories from a long dead group of philosophers that were dismissed by almost every corner for their nearly incomprehensible teachings.

“The Callipygists spoke a language that made translations very confusing. Our understanding was that their entire corpus of philosophy was donkey-centric, like the world was held up by a gigantic pack animal. At the time historically that they were prominent, it appeared to us that they were vindictive, wanna-be Hindus.”

The Hindus, who believe the world is supported by a giant turtle, supported a caste system that was thought to persecute these Callipygists, who until now were seen as a collective of drunken yahoos. Poulsen thinks this new study can set the record straight: “See, their word for ‘ass’ and ‘mind’ was actually the same thing, so what sounds like a corpus of philosophy devoted to the understanding of the ass is in fact quite different. It begs further study.”

And its all thanks to 459 people who missed their own ass on the first pass, says Witt of Poulsen’s findings: “I had no idea this wiping experiment went so deep. Does this mean there is a fundamental link between the mind and the ass?”

Other evidence of just such a link seems to jump onto the discussion floor from all hindquarters. Doctors from the proctologic end of Potsdam-Canton Hospital recount a tale of an unfortunate coma patient. Lloyd Christmas was infirmed after a prototype solar car accident in which his behind was scraped across a mile of pavement before the efficient vehicle finally came to a stop. “We had to amputate his ass. He was a model patient, very confident while undergoing surgery.” But after successful surgery, Christmas never recovered. “It was a medical mystery, it was as if his mind left his body along with his behind.”

If all of this evidence leads to a moral for life, it would be “Know thyself, but before that, guard thy ass.”

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