Behold!
Your Personal Rapture Index (PRI)
Below is the PRI for your
activities for the day, extending into one week previous to this day. A
prophetic hypertext protocol (php) script runs in the background of this site to
determine how much you have done to hasten the inevitable destruction of the
human race, and speed the process of assuming the faithful to God, and all those
wonderful end-time images you have stuck in your brain from the synthesis of
your reason. Also below is an explanation of the number that is the index, and
what different levels of the index mean for your weekly contribution. This also
suggests action you should start taking as soon as possible.
You have shaken hands with over 7 sodomites this week.
Your organic food contains less alien DNA than last week.
A friend has called in a small debt you owe him.
Your index: 147
Below 85: This is a low
contribution to the Rapture Index.
86-100: This is a moderate contribution to the Rapture Index.
101-145: This is a large contribution to the Rapture Index.
146-153: Buckle your seatbelt, it keeps Satan out of your passenger seat, unless
you listen to Rock and Roll music.
154-159: Doomsday will come quicker than the next comet, or perhaps because of
the next comet.
160-167: You will very likely be alive when the Second Coming happens. Learn to
bake reduced bacon cookies.
168-172: The race has only years remaining. Needlepoint a family history if you
can. Fingerpaint one if you can't.
173-178: Ragnarok is mere months away. Sharpen an axe. A healthy lamb as
sacrifice to something would help.
179-185: The Eternal Clock is near its completion. A matter of weeks separates
you from the Eternal. Brush your pet's teeth.
186-189: Quasi-days stand between your race and oblivion. Vote Republican.
190-191: You will almost certainly experience the Rapture later today. Forget
all the prime numbers you used to know.
192-193: If you're not staring at the void right now, check your visual aids. If
you don't have any, see your optometrist if he isn't Jewish.
194-195: The processing of galaxies into Dark Matter has probably not yet
reached your hometown. Build a fallout shelter or destroy a neighbor's.
196-197: Any second now, rivers will flow backwards and the sky will be as
blood. Forty percent chance of showers later.
198-199: *CLASSIFIED* (its signed by a previous incarnation of yourself who was
an illuminatus...and cooler than you)
200 or above: This is only your soul recounting to itself the last hypertext it
read, and it was mine, bitches! I got into your spiritual permanent record! Also
enjoy watching the universe bend back in on itself and time breathe in and out
over and over. Oh, and share the remote.