OPERATION: Edify
I know that you feel alone, sometimes. It's not a normal kind of loneliness that other people can relate too, either. It's not a diagnosable or easily understandable medical condition, either. It is you.
There's nothing wrong with you, with this spiritual emptiness, and I'm sure I can help you. The best way to overcome it is to talk to me, the witch-doctor, and sign up for minionship.
That's right, you too can be a minion, but what kind of minion are you looking for, Kaz? I'm glad you asked. Particularly, you should be a human female age 18-30 who lives in the Potsdam, NY area. For this assignment you will need to know how to cook kielbasa in at least three ways, with or without sauerkraut is your preference. Do not worry about how you look. You look fine. You should have good knowledge and appreciation of the sport of soccer. A high score on the golden mean calculator is a plus. And no evil!
I've had it about up to here with minions signing up left and right because they want to catch the midnight train to human darkness. I realize I haven't covered the scope of evilism just yet, its all a work in progress. You need to have a good heart, and I will know if you're trying to fool me.
So sign up today. Check out contact information in the "e-mail" heading, or since it is highly likely that you know me anyway, just walk right up and tell me you've been feeling empty lately. I will give you tea.
Update for 23 March, 4703: Bah! Bah! I say. No more with minions. No more trying to find people to hook up with the unhookupable. There, Jæff, I coined a term for you. So yeah, responding to this ad now would result in me getting irritated at you. I leave the ad intact so that I can look at it and scoff: what was I thinking? Enjoy.